This has been on my mind for couple of months now. And there has been crescendo touch to my feelings towards my sister. To begin with I don't have a sister; I mean a real sister, from same parents. I do have cousins, thankfully, but at the end of the day it rounds off to this that they leave for their home, their lives. I know in this era of technology no one is far enough not to be connected. But those connection of emotions seems different from what you have with a real sister.


The question here is why I have been thinking about this lately? Why hasn't this crossed my mind in the past 24 years? Those years I had always been attached to my cousins as sisters and not sisters from that uncle and that aunt, didn't I? The answer is them getting married now. And the last time I attended the wedding, during the Bidai  when I hugged her she cried to the extent that made my eyes moist. Just to get this straight; I am not someone who cries easily and certainly not in a public place with 50 pairs of hawk-eyes looking at me. I am expressive but I get take the shore when I feel like crying. 


So back to the topic, that moment made me think would I had been the same person if it had been my sister instead? And this episode wouldn't just erase from my memory. Hope I find some answers here or atleast get some relief at the end of this post.


What I miss the most is the joyous attachment between siblings. I do have younger brothers, but with a sister its altogether different bonding. Consider this, you have a showdown with your brother, what would happen next is you both want to show your muscles. But with a sister even if you had fight; (not dishoom dishoom, no sane man would ever do that to a woman) a heated argument; the most you both will ever do is not talk for 3 or 4 days, maximum a week thats it. But with a brother you would end up swearing not to talk to each other till you die or worse get into split family tensions.


Now smiling over the assumption that if I had a sister, would my life had been different than what it is right now? I think yes. Rather I would like to think as YES, it would have been. I would have someone to walk upto for advice, if an elder sister. Especially when it comes to girlfriends. Also knowing that someone would save me from Mom's cane, considering I am the most impish of all the cousins of my age. Get into a fight for her, beat the hell out of anyone who dares. Yes I can get pretty dangerous too. 


With my current state I don't have that privilege to share my feelings with anyone in my family coz I am unsure how they will react. With her it could have been different. Also what's the good about any news if you don't have a sister to share with?


I am also awed at how Debra Morgan, Dexter's sister in the TV series, sticks to her even if he is so remote from the emotions, so idiotic when there is no need to be. Ok, I know its a fictional character. I mean he is so reserved and with his alter ego (not his fault though), he still has someone who hugs him and calls him during her hard times. 


That is what I needed.

It has taken me 24 years to finally get here. After years of feeling lost, annoyed with what I have and scared to explore anything deeper. I’ve now resigned myself to this connection that we have because I can no longer 

deny the pull I have towards you, charismatic almost mystifying.

I was a lone ranger before I met you, convinced that I wasn’t going to find anything to satisfy me. But soon enough everyone told me to take the leap. “Don’t over think it”, they chided me, as if they all had entered paradise walking this road. All of a sudden I felt peer pressured and it made me even wearier at the thought of you.

I remember the first time we met, I was nervous and jumpy, obviously unsure of what to expect and how to feel. We got to know each other quickly, but it never felt rushed. Sitting up late into the night, I marvelled at your body and the simplicity with which we communicated. When I touched you, you connected me and over time. We made a great team, you and I, everyone told me so. With you around, there was so much incoming in my life and somehow you made everything better. You’ve been the first thing I want to look at every morning and you have always shown up when I’ve needed you.

Do you remember the day I thought I lost you? You just wouldn’t get up. The memory of that still raises my heartbeat. I’ve taken you for granted so many times, tossed you to the side when something more important has come along but I’ve always cherished what you’ve brought to my life and for that, you will always be more special than the rest.

I think we are on the verge of a break. This is really the hard part.  I feel like you are consuming me. Waking up to you have become a habit, a compulsion that stifles me. I feel we’ve stagnated and have fallen into a rut. I sometime wonder how we got here. I used to spend hours discovering every facet of you, exploring the intricacies of your character, studying you. Now there’s no surprise, nothing new to keep me excited. Sometimes I feel I push you too hard and I’m scared that you may push me down one day. I don’t want to live in that moment any more. I don’t want to go through the anxiety I feel when you’re drained from all my rant. I think its time to move on, coz now the more I look at you the more faults I find.

Cheating on you is not an option. We’ve done too much together and have been too intimate for me to just 

discard you. We have to end this with the same confession with which we began. You have to know that there will never be anyone like you and replacing you will not be easy. A part of me wants to just cut off from the world for a while. I know a part of this is coz, I don’t know what life will be like after you, just like I can never imagine a life before you. You’ve been with me through my toughest year and for that I will be forever grateful.

So my darling PC, I think our journey ends here. I need something new in my life and trust me when I say this, its not you and really not me either, its just the ever-changing faces of technology. Nothing lasts forever in my business and it seems the same applies for you. Think of me fondly and I’ll always remember you whispering warmth against my ears, feeding me news on Google, talking to walls on Facebook, no matter what the hour. I have to put you down now and step away, coz true to your name, your hold on me is just too strong.

pretty eyes staring back at me so blue and wide
the colors of the summer sky
the colors of the world
if love is blind, why do i see you so clearly now?
perfect vision of our love somehow
you take over my mind
look up into the galaxy tonight
the stars illuminate the love we make

you and your pretty eyes
you keep me alive

pretty eyes you're the one that keeps up all night
i know no one else could make me feel this way
i want to look up into the milky way tonight
the sky illuminates the love we make
the love we make so bright

you and your pretty eyes
you keep me alive

as the moon shines its light on you
your pretty eyes they glow
tell me that you'll stay the night
just stay a while

you and your pretty eyes
you keep me alive 




Song: Pretty Eyes - Alex Goot

Ok so New decade has begun along with the New Year and its time we look back in the past and relive those moments no matter how much fucked they were. The past decade has been plagued with plenty WTF moments not only for me but to most Indians (I say 'most' coz other half of most people don’t give a fuck)  and towards the end of the decade to folks all around the globe, THANKS WIKILEAKS, that said  no monetary or any other kind of exchanges took place between me and Julian Assange.

But why the fuck would I want to write about WTF moments? Well I thought it is better to go beyond the “Top idealistic things I should be doing in my life in years to come” type of lists, mainly because I don’t give a damn about them and second they make me feel bloody inconsequential. And seriously what else can you do when you have temporary insomnia (wtf is a temporary insomnia??) at 3.30 am and even a lacklustre Communist literature is not putting me to yawn.

WTF#1: The rise and fall of Sania Mirza Malik

I am annoyed; actually I used to be, at second round exits of every tourney she played. Not because I liked her and felt I have been raped at her losses, its only because I hated watching news after that, since every News channel would pompously show (chu! &% @$ at India TV and Star news) how she went down fighting hard even if the scoreline read 6-1, 6-0 at the hands of an unseeded player. But still there was the time whenever her matches were shown by assholes at DD, half of India would Orgasm at the end of every point because of her large shaking thighs reminding everyone of erotic B grade movies and the entire Sub-continents male population would rise to cheer her (every pun intended...). While it took  a while for the nation to come to terms with her getting married to our rich-poor neighbor, I was relieved coz I can now start watching tennis again. But my joy was short-lived. She has now upped her tempo and first round exits are the trends for her. 
Fake News: With Shoaib not playing in the world cup and with her first round exits, Condom and Tissue sales are zooming to an all-time high in Pakistan. 

Don’t worry Sania, if there is ever scarcity of those common necessities, we’ll gift those to you (no one in India is using them anyways!!). But Sania bhabhi could you please ensure to send truckloads of Onions as return gifts.

Wrapping up with a wish for both of you to have happy lives and tolerant liberal babies. But as always my heart is for someone else.

WTF#2: Corruption

Corruption is not a new thing in India or to the Indians, especially in the 28 states and 7 UT, have I covered everything within our borders?? But the perception of corruption seemed to have worsened in recent days, THANK YOU MR. KALMADI, you along with other infamous politicians of our country perfectly define the phrase that “corruption is every politicians political right”. We hang the petty thieves and elect the great ones to public offices. This is the reason you are elected for in first place, to ransack the country. I cannot get more simpler than this. But you know what, even for someone as numb, sceptical and cynical as me, a new scam every 10 hours is a huge kick in the balls of national dignity and social conscience.

WTF#3: Government Policies

I really don’t know why the fuck I entered this territory because my government policy expertise is as magnanimous as a Naga Sadhu’s wardrobe. But I want to know why those assholes have still not been sentenced. And I am not referring to dork that swam across for a cup of tea at TAJ. I am hinting at the FII in India, that reminds me of Rani Mukherjee’s; wahaa hote toh g@^% phat jaati line from NOKJ.

WTF#4: Cricket

Not sure, where to even begin. From the start of the decade (match-fixing) to the end of it (spot-fixing), there is not much positivity to speak about. And if all this was now enough, we now have a MODICHHAAAP IPL to bear with. 

And now with Sharad Pawar, who btw looks like a :-/ emoticon, I can only pray the coming WC plays its full schedule.

WTF#5: CWG OC

We already talked about corruption right?? Thats it then end of CWG bashing. Oh wait, we haven't talked about Mayawati. Yaa I know she wasn’t a part of CWG OC, but still credit has to be given to our Honourable member of the aristocracy of UP Kumari Shri  Mayawatiji (no editing mistake), when we talk about corruption.

WTF#6: CBI Grilling everyone

Ok let me get this straight, what is with the folks at CBI grilling one and all? The number of times you people grill(question) criminals (read Kalmadi), you should consider changing the agency’s name to Central Barbeque Investigation. Btw how many cases have you fucking cracked till now, ZERO??, which makes me wonder if your agency name stands for Chutiye Bhare Idhar. Am sure loads of moolah you guys have already raked in by feeding Chicken Birayani to Kalmadi and Spectrum Raja for over 9 hours, I mean the baarat they come along with to the CBI HQ only implies that they get bags full of dowry with them in their Audi trunks. You guys also hype your so called raids just like you gonna invade St. Nazaire but then turn around sheepishly like N.D.Tiwari caught with his pants down.

WTF#7: Rajnikanth Jokes

Why did Rajniknath discarded all the elements in periodic table? Coz he only likes the ELEMENT OF SURPRISE!!  ... Lame joke...nevertheless I give a fuck

WTF#8: Chetan Bhagat

This IIM-A dude continues to destroy an entire generation of Indians with his 95 rupees thrash. Dude (with all due fucking respect), you cannot turn a phrase to begin with and then churn out 4 books, I say STOP WASTING PAPERS and get back to your boring life with excelsheets in Singapore.

Only someone like Rupa publications can have the courage to print these shits. Just out of curiosity do they give you Rupa baniyans as royalty?? Am sure they do. And btw my cardiogram makes more sense than your lettering.

WTF#9: Rakhi Sawant

My WTF of the decade award goes to Rakhi Sawant for her pseudo portrayal of Bhartiya Naari getting married in a swayamwar. O’ JEJUZZ, WHERE IS MEDIAS, MEDIAS KO BULAO. Some things just get bigger by the day.

Fake News: Rakhi just got another enhance .....brb.....Googling Rakhi Sawant

Add Rahul Mahajan to this category and you’ll get EPIC WTF, btw Dimpi is being bashed up as we speak.

WTF#10: Wikileaks

I cannot talk much about them as I fear my Swiss banks accounts details would be made public and the entire nation would have to face another round of embarrassment and then debate in the Parliament over the amount of money I had deposited there. I should first probably withdraw my entire black money balance of 151.75 rupees before it is declared overtly and my face is splashed all over India TV and Rajat Sharma orgasms just looking at me.

That brings me to the Defining Moment:

That said most days of the past decade were unremarkable. They begin and they end with no lasting memories made in between. The decade started with Y2K and ended with a WTF

I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart,
I'll see.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me......